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pearlybones

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(in the sun)

[24 Sep 2008|07:22am]
I dreamed my parakeets had eggs that cracked open and out came tiny parakeets, four in all but Molly, the dachshund swallowed them and I could see through her skin, all four parakeets moving around and I thought, they will die, they will die but then they were inside of me and we drove down winding roads, one road was backwards, and driving to the outskirts of the city we found an ambulance run by a gypsy woman and she laid me down and I tried tot ell her that the birds would die if she didn't get them out soon and she told me to relax and laid a cold hand on my forehead. I lost conciousness and had a vision of a many-room high school and I asked questions in Spanish and got answers in English and when I came to in the gypsy ambulance a video was playing on a screen about birthing things you've swallowed. It was lively and explanatory and cheesy and I pushed and felt the bird coming out, it's beak gasping for air and I pulled it, helping it and it lay crumpled in my hand. I ran it under cold water and it was revived. The next one was birthed in worse shape than the first, but alive, and once cleaned, returned to its cage. Then the gypsy woman told me to go home. I told her, there are still more birds inside of me. She shook her head and told me they were all dead. I asked her how she knew and she winked and told me that she knows more than me. Until I birthed one more live bird. She walked away and I realized I could have hope but the last bird came out bloody and limp, showing that she was half right. I accepted the loss of one bird and was grateful for the rebirth of the ones I had.

(in the sun)

[23 Sep 2008|07:42am]
I dreamed small snakes in beach-soft sand between two tall cement walls. Hiding after thieving, breathless, surrounded by price tags and cop radios. I dreamed a pig had bitten my toe and it bled. It bled. I dreamed of kittens as small as mice and they didn't know which they were. I dreamed buckets full of moccasins and native Americans with no faces hawking them. I dreamed a man in an old purple van with a temper, with a trailer attached, with a sleeping little girl. I dreamed he ran them into a tree. I dreamed I was hitchhiking, hiding out on board a ship. I got thrown overboard. And I found myself in Iowa with two broken wrists looking for the ocean. I was always smiling. I dreamed I found a phone and when I listened to the message, it was a boy offering gifts to a girl with my same name. "What do you want for christmas?" he asked "A couple of amps or an ipod dock?" I laughed and hung up, then took her shoes which looked like basketball squeaky toys.
I wondered the streets in them, lost, lost in thought, waiting for someone to pick me up.

(in the sun)

guess what chicken butt [02 Sep 2008|09:40pm]
It's been about a year since I've blogged anything on the whole internet. Since then I've acquired various interests, skills, insecurities, pets, and worries. I only blog when I'm worried. Or at least, I've only wanted to blog lately when I'm worried. So here it is, all my worries in a nutshell.
I'm worried the language part of my brain isn't working the way it should. I'm worried I'm going to run out of money. I'm worried I'm going to get fired for not having enough hours available. I'm worried that I'll never be able to have braces again. I'm worried I'll get bad grades. I'm worried that he's tired of me. I'm worried that she dislikes me. I'm worried that I'm wearing my most respected teacher out. I'm worried that I'm a half-poet, if any sort of poet at all. I'm worried about my zits. I'm worried about the roots of my hair. I'm worried about the ends of my hair. I'm worried about my sister. I'm worried about my dad. I'm worried about Logan. I'm worried about Phil. I'm worried I'll never move on from knitting scarves and squares. I'm worried I'll never be able to sleep in my own bed. I'm worried my dog isn't well behaved. I'm worried my bird will never warm up to me. I'm worried about Spanish. I'm worried about Spanish. I'm worried about Spanish. I'm worried about my laundry. I'm worried about the weather cooling off. I'm worried about my social life. I'm worried that I don't get enough potassium. I'm worried that I asked a girl what her red bracelet meant today. (it wasn't what I thought) I'm worried I'm not getting enough sleep. I'm worried my hamstrings will always be tight. I'm worried my back will always hurt. I'm worried about one man named Shakespeare and all these words he wrote. I'm worried about the dawn of man, the ice age and the mud. I'm worried about fossils and math. I'm worried about being worried because until tonight I was doing well enough not to have to blog about it.

(in the sun)

[12 Apr 2007|09:11am]
I'm tired of judging and being judged.
I'm tired of feeling that knot in my stomach when I meet new people like I'm incapable of actually communicating something special or even something completely useless.
Who cares.

(in the sun)

[12 Apr 2007|08:44am]
I was happier when I didn't use drugs.

(in the sun)

[28 Feb 2007|03:39pm]
because I haven't posted lyrics in a long timeCollapse )

My grades are faltering and floundering in my apathetic stare. My teachers stare back uncaring of my sprained purple and blue foot or the consistant panic I feel in my bones. And mucus clings white to my tonsils while doctors say, "Oh! Say Ah, Oh." And it's strep again. Every 3 months like planned. And "Don't you feel like a fool when everyone else turns in assignments and you don't?" Yes, Dad. I do. I still do. I feel like the biggest fool at this goddamned school and I don't belong here.
So They Are Going to be incarserated, at least for an hour or two and I remember a letter I wrote my junior year of high school and a refrence to never wanting to say "my baby's daddy is in jail."
And we all know what comes with spring. An overwhelming desire to drop everything and be pregnant. Ridiculous. Not in the spring. I'm doodling pictures of bloated women in the margins of my notebooks. I'm thinking about food and vitamins I'd eat. I'm too young for that.
And I can't make rent.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Only, I've seen this box before and I know which ones are bad and I eat them anyway.

And my dreams last night were all mud and yellow school busses and hiding from murderers. The night always brings excitement.

(in the sun)

[01 Dec 2006|01:12pm]
It's all about perception. You create your problems. The future is the only thing you can change. Outcomes are direct examples of your actions. You are responsible for this mess. Clean it up. The structural damage is impossible to fix but do what you can.

I hate cleaning- both literally and metephorically.

(1 bone | in the sun)

[27 Oct 2006|07:06am]
Last night I dreamed my dad was dating another whore and they were doing coke on the table. I was so upset, I started smoking weed all of the time and using coke sometimes. I kept my cocaine in a nerd candies box. A famous improver called me and left a message on my phone. I put weed in my mouth and smoked it on my tongue. I did art. I went on a dark walk. I was so sad.

(1 bone | in the sun)

[26 Oct 2006|09:04am]
Cars are driving past my window in the new snow-slush. I'm dizzy and I can't stand up and shake the spinning.
My dreams last night were wild.
I was part of a family who was picked to go on a road trip to Chicago. There was a mom, dad, son, and daughter. We traveled in a van along dusty dirt roads. We saw cars with fake sirens being chased by real police- the anarchists. We dodged them and drove faster. Half way there we passed through some kind of... change. The world was different and things were dangerous. The world was acting in different rules than we were use to. We drove and found the place we were looking for, but it was abandoned and a wall stood tall with vines and spikes on it. There were wild hogs sniffing around us and I was afraid. Then a boar looked at me and told me how to get beyond the wall. We pressed our hands down on the top and the wall sank for us to step over. Inside the wall was lush green hills and a house-ship on top. We walked up the stone pathway to the door where we were greeted by an old couple. The daughter accepted a package at the door and when she opened it, the explosion tore a big hole in the bottom of the house/ship and we were sucked out falling, yelling. It's hard to piece together the story but we ended up in an abandoned mall and I said, "This is the mall I go to in my dreams!" and it was the same mall that always is in my dreams- of course. And there was another part when the boy was playing with a saw and he cut his cheeks up because he was overcome with some... spirit. I don't know. And there was blood everywhere as he sawed himself to bits. There was a part when I went back in time and tried to change the past. I was the girl at this point and the ship filled up with water. I was trying to survive but everyone was betraying me. I drove slowly through the broken streets to a gas station with people and aliens filling up. I charged my battery and asked a beautiful asian woman if I should get gas. She told me to leave. So I did.

I have weird dreams.

(in the sun)

[25 Oct 2006|09:25am]
I dated someone in my dream who killed people and then had sex with their brains. There was even one instance when I was sitting on his lap in a train and he was masturbating. And he bought me two airplanes and my grandpa bought me two new pairs of nikes, one with shocks.. The guy I was dating didn't kill everyone he had sex with. He sometimes drugged them or got them really drunk so that he could cut slits in their bodies to have sex with. One girl, he showed me a picture of her mutalated body- hung herself after the incident. I worked at a grocery store. The customers were always mad. The carts never went straight and the balancing process was very complicated. I stole a tiny spoon from a staircase. I returned the nikes. I wanted to break it off with the guy but I was drawn to him in a strange way and afraid that he would kill me if I broke up with him. I was also afraid for my life while with him.

(in the sun)

Start wearing purple [23 Oct 2006|11:09am]
The fire of our universe circles me, my house, my streets, my friends. The words, no matter the rhymes, hurt. So break my bones with sticks and stones. Turn nature against me. Just don't use that language, that tone, those fucking words that drop one by one into my stomach weighing me into the mud, into my fucking grave.
And the grades are always D.

(in the sun)

[11 Oct 2006|11:40am]
This morning the wind picked up and pushed the cardboard contraption almost out of my hands. The leaves were swirling and my hair is only half done. Refill the orange bottle. It doesn't sound like you're ready. Across a border and 5 months of time I sat on a beach and stared into the eye of the ocean. What empty eyed monsters? -oh, it's only me. The mirror surpises me in the middle of the night. That electric current might cause my cells to behave abnormally like us kids when the barometic pressure caused our mouths to move unendlessly. Find your path in life and take it.
Just take it. Don't stray for the good or the bad. Every person has his purpose. Ever person has his place. This life is but a mere speck of time. Newsweek in the doctors office showed the planets size compared to others. Requiem for a planet. Goodbye Pluto. And Jupiter and Saturn... Earth is hardly a dot even in our own solar system. So swim in those tiny oceans and stare up to the stars because time is unending and death is unavoidable. So instead of craving a different existance, live the life you're given. And whatever you do. Do not stray from that path.

(in the sun)

[24 Sep 2006|11:21pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

Riding home from a goal realized, the stars far and the air crisp. A long soft mane of dulled hair and skin gone as pale as a dead dream after breakfast. That southern country with the crumbling streets and phones that couldn't speak my language is now a faded tan, a black journal stuffed in a box, imaginary people littered across Europe. I'm maybe a memory, a mysterious quiet girl with a hidden face smoking weed in a white-walled sad room, a laughing drunk American doing the robot to the Summer's Top 100, a girl who showed too much and then none at all.
A hot bath erased my day. The water held heat and encased my soul, my beating heart. Disregard my brain. Save the heart. Save the heart.

His lips are kissing a glass mouth. His hands are stroking lettered skin, tapping away information. We are apart for a few days here, a few days there-together when we can be. He's more than a hot brick by my feet in the winter. He's more than a note on my white board. He's more than an answer to my questions. He's more than a hot bath at the end of a day. He's more than I deserve and I am grateful.

Winter is coming, it's making the air more certain. The leaves are surrendering their health, they're twirling into piles, a known inevitability. The sky seems to be dissapearing, higher, and away from me. That's the thing about winter. Everything spreads out and nothing feels intimate. Soon I'll be carting hot liquids in my new thermos. Soon I'll be shivering like mad on a bus with wet jeans. Soon I'll be cursing my eyes for not adjusting to the snow. Soon my nose will redden and my lips will chap and the distance will be double what it is now.

Today it the sun said goodbye. We passed the day lying in the front yard, saying "see you later" and "come back soon." It sunk away slowly and I watched. It cast shadows behind my paled skin and I watched my past sink for the winter.

The folliage is slowly fading into gold and I'm just a girl in the mid-west. I'm just a memory. I am just watching my year unfold itself.

I never want to move out of this house- unless it's with him.

(in the sun)

[24 Sep 2006|06:23pm]
My dear has come to my rescue. My knight drives a white minivan-sometimes.
And I love him.
I wish I had more time to write about the sun that never rose and then how it burned the clouds to wisps in my dreams and his smell that wraps itself around my heart like a hand held tight across a busy street. But I have other things to do.

(in the sun)

[22 Sep 2006|07:42am]
Last night's dream:
I had a metal plate in my head from surgury- Jewish people die the firt time they have sex. So This metal plate in my head, I would get up on this stage and press something metal so the outlet, the back of my head resting on the surface and I would die- either my body or my mind would die and I couldn't tell which one. So I wandered around high school, eerily half dead, feeling more tired and more tired as time went on. I knew I was running out of energy. I wanted to die young because I wanted life to be rich, short, and sweet.

(in the sun)

[21 Sep 2006|09:58am]
Last nights dream:
I was back in Mexico, with logan. I had a white laptop with a gun attached. I couldn't figure out the safety, it was a code. I accidentally shot a girl in her lung. She survived. I went back to where I stayed and realized how much stuff I forgot. I was piling my books into boxes, searching under the bed when I noticed that Fossil, my mouse escaped. I tried to pick her up but she bit me and then tiny pink babies started pushing their way out of her. I was overwhelmed. The dad of where ever we were was molesting his little girls. Logan said, "We've got to go" and I held back because I had too much stuff to try and take home. I called him and I said, "Where are you" and he said "On the plane. You missed it. What are you going to do?" And I started freaking out. I still wasn't done packing my things and I had work back at home. I was late. I was in a motor home. I was in Denver. They had driven there while I was worrying. Awesome. "Para!" I yelled "Aqui por favor!!!" And we slammed to a stop. I got out with Lindee and we rode our bikes uphill until we got to Boulder. That's where Lindee wanted to stay so I was on my own. Every street I went down was a dead end and I couldn't tell the directions apart. I got lost in a library like building at my interpretation of CU and I was searching the halls for an exit. When a man with gray hair started to watch me. His body was rotting and soft and his gaze was sickening. He followed me for a long time, I tried to get a taxi but the traffic was so bad, the cars rolled right over the police cars and flattened them to pancakes. People were yelling and I'd fogotten my bike. I went back and got it, the man was still following me. People tried to help distract him but like a ghost he was always behind me. He told me that I was the perfect age for him and I argued. I told him that I had a gun. Then he left me alone.

(in the sun)

[20 Sep 2006|12:33pm]
Dreams:
Aids spread through homosexual intercourse of famous sports names; a "camp" brothel where we were forced to sell our bodies. A five-year old girl and I were assigned a 3-some with a black man. I tried to distract him from her. I knew why I was there. I had made bad choices. I deserved this. She didn't. I could handle this; she couldn't. She had straight blonde hair and little dresses with bows. She sang religious kids songs about the bible, the afterlife, and the coming of Christ. She told me that when you meet God, his power is so great that you lose sight of things. After a few days, her spirits sank and I tried harder and harder to keep them up. We spent a lot of time together. One day, it was too much. She went into shock, seizures, and when she came to, she was blind. This was not good for the customers. Her mother screamed at her, called her a little liar, told her to stop playing games and shook her until she cried. The girl told me she saw god. I knew that she had reached a higher state of spiritual being. She sang the songs in a hollow voice. This went on. They didn't feed her. They punished her severly to try to bring her vision back. One day I walked by her room and I heard ridiculous noises and screaming. I burst in on the leader of the camp and the girl's mother- the leader with a whip, the mother screaming loud "You fucking rat, you selfish liar!" The girl could do nothing but scream. I threw myself over her and asked after their sanity. We ran away that night. I drove us to a store and we bought wigs and broke cups. The owner who was fat and cared too much about money helped us find a place to stay. It was a tree-house-esque place in the jungle. We parked the car and covered it with giant folliage. We climbed the ladder to the wooden platform/house. We stayed there for one day. Only one day until the... I guess you could call them zombies. They were infected with AIDS and they were very burly men. Their never-shutting eyes leaked blood and their mouths never closed. They were going to feed on us sexually.
That's all I remember.

(1 bone | in the sun)

[18 Sep 2006|12:22am]
This entry will contradict the premise that I made this journal for but I think that doing things like that are okay every once in a while. For the first time since before I stopped calling myself a high schooler, I am permeated with happiness. The kind that is not due to a ray of sun or the cool autumn air persistantly calling winter closer; this is the kind of internal soft-ember gratefulness and optimism for the world. I do not feel like listening to Bright Eyes. I do not feel like dying. I do not feel like jumping out of high-rise buildings or crashing my car into a telephone pole. The best aspect of this happiness is that bad things are happening. I don't think I made clownbox and I got a D- on my first Spanish test. The fact that I still feel happy despite these ruts in my road makes it all more real.

www.couchsurfing.com
This website really makes me want to travel.
Also www.Statravel.com/traveladdict
Together, I could go anywhere. *dreams*

(in the sun)

The places I've never been [15 Sep 2006|06:20pm]
Russia: a country of loud laughs from bearded mouths; cold winters and pale skin; pale-blue corpses encased in sharp snow, their veins quiet with vodka-blood.
Ancient Egypt: a country where the dead gods are robbed and defaced; the people starve poor while the four-year-old pharoahs eat grapes; the sun was their God for a second.
Maine: A state briming with trees that grow from kindness; the roads twist quietly through the lush land; the tallest of the states, quietly observing the country.
France: Where everything flows smooth like sweet wine; the fights are liquid and mixed with laughter; flowers grow tall in open fields and they hold their heads high above the blood-grass ground to keep their dignity.
Israel: Where the Jews and Christians are neighbors, fighting on their respective sidewalks about the true God and his true son; where there are only three houses in a perfectly manicured lawn 300 Acres across; three houses and three white lines that meet in the middle to separate the three religions from one another; but what they don't see- the white lines form a peace sign.
India: The shouting loud markets and life is like a crowded subway only not as clean; the contrast of dark skin and bright fabrics jolt the senses; carts of carefully picked fruits rumble white the Taj sits giant and empty.

(in the sun)

[15 Sep 2006|07:13am]
Skin stained with scars from jelly fish- but we live by the mountains. The doctors consulted a book like I'd already consulted the internet and they were no help. I rose before the clock said "seven" and I still missed the sunrise. Perhaps it was due to the glowing distraction of my neighbors internet projected onto my dirty face. The showers can wait. My body is light and empty with a brain equally behind. My test today ...

I guess I've been pretty depressed lately because I got check pluses on all of my English homework. I'll feel really stupid if check plus is the best and there is no single plus. But for now I feel badly and inadaquate compared to the class.

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