(no subject)

I dreamed my parakeets had eggs that cracked open and out came tiny parakeets, four in all but Molly, the dachshund swallowed them and I could see through her skin, all four parakeets moving around and I thought, they will die, they will die but then they were inside of me and we drove down winding roads, one road was backwards, and driving to the outskirts of the city we found an ambulance run by a gypsy woman and she laid me down and I tried tot ell her that the birds would die if she didn't get them out soon and she told me to relax and laid a cold hand on my forehead. I lost conciousness and had a vision of a many-room high school and I asked questions in Spanish and got answers in English and when I came to in the gypsy ambulance a video was playing on a screen about birthing things you've swallowed. It was lively and explanatory and cheesy and I pushed and felt the bird coming out, it's beak gasping for air and I pulled it, helping it and it lay crumpled in my hand. I ran it under cold water and it was revived. The next one was birthed in worse shape than the first, but alive, and once cleaned, returned to its cage. Then the gypsy woman told me to go home. I told her, there are still more birds inside of me. She shook her head and told me they were all dead. I asked her how she knew and she winked and told me that she knows more than me. Until I birthed one more live bird. She walked away and I realized I could have hope but the last bird came out bloody and limp, showing that she was half right. I accepted the loss of one bird and was grateful for the rebirth of the ones I had.

(no subject)

I dreamed small snakes in beach-soft sand between two tall cement walls. Hiding after thieving, breathless, surrounded by price tags and cop radios. I dreamed a pig had bitten my toe and it bled. It bled. I dreamed of kittens as small as mice and they didn't know which they were. I dreamed buckets full of moccasins and native Americans with no faces hawking them. I dreamed a man in an old purple van with a temper, with a trailer attached, with a sleeping little girl. I dreamed he ran them into a tree. I dreamed I was hitchhiking, hiding out on board a ship. I got thrown overboard. And I found myself in Iowa with two broken wrists looking for the ocean. I was always smiling. I dreamed I found a phone and when I listened to the message, it was a boy offering gifts to a girl with my same name. "What do you want for christmas?" he asked "A couple of amps or an ipod dock?" I laughed and hung up, then took her shoes which looked like basketball squeaky toys.
I wondered the streets in them, lost, lost in thought, waiting for someone to pick me up.

guess what chicken butt

It's been about a year since I've blogged anything on the whole internet. Since then I've acquired various interests, skills, insecurities, pets, and worries. I only blog when I'm worried. Or at least, I've only wanted to blog lately when I'm worried. So here it is, all my worries in a nutshell.
I'm worried the language part of my brain isn't working the way it should. I'm worried I'm going to run out of money. I'm worried I'm going to get fired for not having enough hours available. I'm worried that I'll never be able to have braces again. I'm worried I'll get bad grades. I'm worried that he's tired of me. I'm worried that she dislikes me. I'm worried that I'm wearing my most respected teacher out. I'm worried that I'm a half-poet, if any sort of poet at all. I'm worried about my zits. I'm worried about the roots of my hair. I'm worried about the ends of my hair. I'm worried about my sister. I'm worried about my dad. I'm worried about Logan. I'm worried about Phil. I'm worried I'll never move on from knitting scarves and squares. I'm worried I'll never be able to sleep in my own bed. I'm worried my dog isn't well behaved. I'm worried my bird will never warm up to me. I'm worried about Spanish. I'm worried about Spanish. I'm worried about Spanish. I'm worried about my laundry. I'm worried about the weather cooling off. I'm worried about my social life. I'm worried that I don't get enough potassium. I'm worried that I asked a girl what her red bracelet meant today. (it wasn't what I thought) I'm worried I'm not getting enough sleep. I'm worried my hamstrings will always be tight. I'm worried my back will always hurt. I'm worried about one man named Shakespeare and all these words he wrote. I'm worried about the dawn of man, the ice age and the mud. I'm worried about fossils and math. I'm worried about being worried because until tonight I was doing well enough not to have to blog about it.

(no subject)

I'm tired of judging and being judged.
I'm tired of feeling that knot in my stomach when I meet new people like I'm incapable of actually communicating something special or even something completely useless.
Who cares.

(no subject)

because I haven't posted lyrics in a long timeCollapse )

My grades are faltering and floundering in my apathetic stare. My teachers stare back uncaring of my sprained purple and blue foot or the consistant panic I feel in my bones. And mucus clings white to my tonsils while doctors say, "Oh! Say Ah, Oh." And it's strep again. Every 3 months like planned. And "Don't you feel like a fool when everyone else turns in assignments and you don't?" Yes, Dad. I do. I still do. I feel like the biggest fool at this goddamned school and I don't belong here.
So They Are Going to be incarserated, at least for an hour or two and I remember a letter I wrote my junior year of high school and a refrence to never wanting to say "my baby's daddy is in jail."
And we all know what comes with spring. An overwhelming desire to drop everything and be pregnant. Ridiculous. Not in the spring. I'm doodling pictures of bloated women in the margins of my notebooks. I'm thinking about food and vitamins I'd eat. I'm too young for that.
And I can't make rent.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Only, I've seen this box before and I know which ones are bad and I eat them anyway.

And my dreams last night were all mud and yellow school busses and hiding from murderers. The night always brings excitement.

(no subject)

It's all about perception. You create your problems. The future is the only thing you can change. Outcomes are direct examples of your actions. You are responsible for this mess. Clean it up. The structural damage is impossible to fix but do what you can.

I hate cleaning- both literally and metephorically.

(no subject)

Last night I dreamed my dad was dating another whore and they were doing coke on the table. I was so upset, I started smoking weed all of the time and using coke sometimes. I kept my cocaine in a nerd candies box. A famous improver called me and left a message on my phone. I put weed in my mouth and smoked it on my tongue. I did art. I went on a dark walk. I was so sad.

(no subject)

Cars are driving past my window in the new snow-slush. I'm dizzy and I can't stand up and shake the spinning.
My dreams last night were wild.
I was part of a family who was picked to go on a road trip to Chicago. There was a mom, dad, son, and daughter. We traveled in a van along dusty dirt roads. We saw cars with fake sirens being chased by real police- the anarchists. We dodged them and drove faster. Half way there we passed through some kind of... change. The world was different and things were dangerous. The world was acting in different rules than we were use to. We drove and found the place we were looking for, but it was abandoned and a wall stood tall with vines and spikes on it. There were wild hogs sniffing around us and I was afraid. Then a boar looked at me and told me how to get beyond the wall. We pressed our hands down on the top and the wall sank for us to step over. Inside the wall was lush green hills and a house-ship on top. We walked up the stone pathway to the door where we were greeted by an old couple. The daughter accepted a package at the door and when she opened it, the explosion tore a big hole in the bottom of the house/ship and we were sucked out falling, yelling. It's hard to piece together the story but we ended up in an abandoned mall and I said, "This is the mall I go to in my dreams!" and it was the same mall that always is in my dreams- of course. And there was another part when the boy was playing with a saw and he cut his cheeks up because he was overcome with some... spirit. I don't know. And there was blood everywhere as he sawed himself to bits. There was a part when I went back in time and tried to change the past. I was the girl at this point and the ship filled up with water. I was trying to survive but everyone was betraying me. I drove slowly through the broken streets to a gas station with people and aliens filling up. I charged my battery and asked a beautiful asian woman if I should get gas. She told me to leave. So I did.

I have weird dreams.

(no subject)

I dated someone in my dream who killed people and then had sex with their brains. There was even one instance when I was sitting on his lap in a train and he was masturbating. And he bought me two airplanes and my grandpa bought me two new pairs of nikes, one with shocks.. The guy I was dating didn't kill everyone he had sex with. He sometimes drugged them or got them really drunk so that he could cut slits in their bodies to have sex with. One girl, he showed me a picture of her mutalated body- hung herself after the incident. I worked at a grocery store. The customers were always mad. The carts never went straight and the balancing process was very complicated. I stole a tiny spoon from a staircase. I returned the nikes. I wanted to break it off with the guy but I was drawn to him in a strange way and afraid that he would kill me if I broke up with him. I was also afraid for my life while with him.